Positive Discipline for Today's Busy (and Overwhelmed) Parent

Chapter 1

History and Research

Understanding Our Problems Better Helps Us Find Solutions

As we found out earlier, the top parenting challenges for the professional parent are lack of time, performance pressures, and an overwhelming amount of advice and strategies. Unfortunately, we cannot give you more time—­we all have twenty-­four hours per day. What we can and will give you are tools that will help you wisely prioritize how to invest the time you have to make your parenting as effective as possible. We can’t take away the pressure to compete that exists in our society, but we can and will provide you with a deeper, more enlightened viewpoint on personal wellness, parenting, and life choices. To help you choose the right path, we can also provide you with a guiding light through all the advice and suggestions that are out there. We will start by looking at research, the history of psychiatry, and brain development, thereby increasing our understanding of what important factors influence effective parenting.

Supporting Evidence for Positive Discipline

Parenting research for several decades has focused on identifying which parenting practices are most effective. Numerous studies show a direct correlation between parenting style and the child’s levels of self-­regulation, overall life satisfaction, academic achievement, alcohol use, aggression, and oppositional behavior.

One of the most rigorous studies in this field was conducted by Diane Baumrind, whose longitudinal parenting style research at Berkeley spanned several decades. Baumrind systematically examined how parenting impacts the social and psychological adjustment, academic success, and general well-­being of children and adolescents. She summarized her own research this way: “Adolescents from authoritative (but not authoritarian) families showed by far the most social competence, maturity and optimism.” Authoritative parenting is what we call Positive Discipline parenting—­kind and firm, not controlling and not permissive. Children who were raised in an authoritative atmosphere also scored the highest on verbal and mathematical achievement tests.

Baumrind’s research and the research of others shows that punishment and reward are not effective long-­term, and in fact negatively impact the development of self-­regulation, intrinsic motivation, and the quality of family relationships. A number of faulty and destructive beliefs and behaviors are created by punished children. We call them the 5 R’s of Punishment: resentment (“This is unfair, I can’t trust adults”), rebellion (“I’ll do just the opposite to prove I don’t have to do it their way”), revenge (“They are winning now, but I’ll get even”), retreat (“I won’t get caught next time”), and reduced self-­esteem (“I am a worthless person”). Authoritarian (domineering) parents who are highly directive because they value immediate obedience are ineffective in the long term.

Baumrind’s findings further illustrate how a permissive parenting style is just as damaging as punishment. Few demands are made on children, and the lack of structure and routine coupled with overindulgence (even in the name of love) leaves children with ineffective life skills. Permissiveness invites children to develop beliefs and behaviors such as selfishness (“Love means I should be able to do whatever I want”), helplessness (“I need you to take care of me because I’m not capable of responsibility”), and low resilience (“I’m depressed because you don’t cater to my every demand”).

Baumrind’s work supports Positive Discipline’s (kind and firm) parenting model, which focuses on the practical application of the same methods Baumrind and others identify as influential in positive child and adolescent development. Each of the Positive Discipline tools in this book is designed to help you practically apply what is well identified in the research and, as such, most beneficial for family relationships and child development.

Alfred Adler

Alfred Adler was a Viennese doctor, and one of the original creators of the field of psychiatry in the late 1800s, along with Freud, Jung, and others. By observation and experimentation, Adler came to the conclusion that humans are fundamentally social beings, and that our primary goal is therefore to belong (connection) and to feel significant through a sense of purpose and contribution. When people don’t feel a sense of belonging and significance they feel inferior. In their efforts to overcome this feeling of inferiority, they make all kinds of mistakes. Those mistakes often are identified as misbehavior. Adler believed misbehavior was based on faulty beliefs such as “I will feel good enough only if I get lots of attention,” or “only if I am the boss,” or “only if I hurt others as I feel hurt,” or “only if I give up and assume that I am inadequate” (we call this “only if” thinking). These beliefs form what Adler called the private logic of each individual, which is a subconscious process that starts in early childhood.

Children (and adults) are always making decisions: about themselves (am I good or bad, adequate or inadequate, capable or incapable?), about others (are they encouraging or discouraging?), about the world (is it a safe or threatening place?), and consequently about what they need to do (can I thrive through encouragement or merely survive [misbehave] in discouragement?). Seen another way, Adler taught that events invite thoughts, which often turn into a belief, which in turn invites a feeling that, finally, inspires behavior. We often refer to this cycle as “think, feel, do,” and we invite participants in our workshops to engage in this process when working on uncovering mistaken beliefs.

Repetition of socially unacceptable behavior subsequently comes out of this mistaken private belief system. It is therefore not sufficient to address the behavior. Instead, the only way to change behavior permanently is to help an individual change his or her (mistaken) underlying beliefs. Adler believed the best way to do this is through encouragement that helps people experience the deep need to belong as social beings, and to feel capable through contribution. This way the negative subconscious beliefs are replaced by positive beliefs, leading to fruitful behavior. His was a philosophy of treating everyone (including children) with dignity and respect. (This in many ways makes him a man well ahead of his time and more current than ever.) His thinking was in opposition to another trend in behavioral psychology that some may be familiar with, behaviorism, which advocated achieving change by affecting the observable behaviors through punishments and rewards.

Rudolf Dreikurs was a psychiatrist and colleague of Adler. He continued practicing the Adlerian philosophy after the death of Adler in 1937, and continued his work in America. Instead of confining it to the psychiatric office, however, he took this philosophy of equality, dignity, and respect for all to parents and teachers through open forum demonstrations, where he counseled parents and teachers in front of an audience. Dreikurs referred to his and Adler’s philosophy as “democratic” (freedom with order), as opposed to “authoritarian” (order without freedom) or “anarchistic” (freedom without order). In his practice, he used this three-­dimensional model to examine how parents influence their children. Dreikurs identified the democratic parenting style as most beneficial (which, as we saw earlier, has been confirmed in Baumrind’s work). Dreikurs advocated a responsive yet firm approach to leadership at home as well as in schools in order to help children feel a sense of belonging and contribution. Adler and Dreikurs both recognized the need for respectful discipline designed to teach problem-­solving and other important life skills, thereby addressing any mistaken underlying beliefs. In 1972, Dreikurs published a book about his model called Children: The Challenge.

The Development of Positive Discipline

In 1981, Dr. Jane Nelsen, a student of Adlerian psychology, self-­published the book Positive Discipline, based on her experiences of using the philosophy of Adler and Dreikurs and teaching it to parents and teachers as an elementary school counselor. In the beginning, many thought Positive Discipline meant they could learn to punish in a positive way. It took them a while to get used to the idea of eliminating all punishment and reward in favor of encouragement and joint problem-­solving to address the basic needs of children to belong and feel significant through contribution. Her book provided a workable model for how to apply Adler’s and Dreikurs’s principles to parenting and teaching. It taught that although punishment and rewards work in the short term with obedience and compliance as a result, the concern is with the long-­term consequences, which can be damaging.

A child’s behavior, like the tip of the iceberg, is what we see. However, the hidden base of the iceberg (much larger than the tip) represents both the belief behind the behavior and the child’s deepest need for belonging and significance. Positive Discipline addresses both the behavior and the belief behind the behavior. Our task as parents and educators is to help children find belonging and ­significance in socially useful ways. We begin by (1) understanding and addressing mistaken beliefs about how to achieve belonging and significance and (2) teaching skills that meet this need in socially useful ways.

Adler and Dreikurs taught, “A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.” When children misbehave they usually have a mistaken belief about how to gain a sense of belonging. Most parents react to the behavior with some kind of punishment (blame, shame, or pain). This only confirms a child’s belief that he or she doesn’t belong, creating a vicious cycle of discouragement. In most cases, the child’s belief that he or she doesn’t belong in the family is shocking to parents. They wonder, “How can my child believe she doesn’t belong? How could she not know how much I love her? This doesn’t make sense.” How and why do children create their beliefs, especially when they don’t make sense to us? As we’ve seen, according to Adlerian psychology, we know that humans have a fundamental need for belonging and significance, and when we perceive (realistically or not) that this need is not being met, we misbehave. The reason this need is unmet is that our faulty belief system makes us misinterpret events and actions of others. For children, whose belief system is being formed, this is significant, and the clue to this misinterpretation can be found in the development of the human brain.

Brain Development

Brain development happens in stages. Our instinctual and emotional centers (the amygdala and the limbic brain) develop first, and the thinking, logical brain (the neocortex) later. Children may therefore be able to experience and perceive the world through their senses, but their thinking and logical ability are not yet fully developed. This comes later, in adolescence and early adulthood. Children, therefore, are good perceivers but poor interpreters of the world around them.

Further research shows that children’s brains work on a different wavelength than the brains of adults: delta waves up until age two, and theta waves from ages two to six. This enables children (1) to absorb a huge amount of data very quickly, which is essential because they need to learn how to survive in their environment, and (2) to be more suggestible, so they can quickly alter their behavior to adapt to changes in their environment and growing cognitive ability. However, the ability to critically assess the data comes at a later developmental stage and another brain wave pattern. In other words, children are simply not yet able to see the big picture and engage in higher-­level thinking, such as figuring out complex cause-­and-­effect patterns. Parents unaware of brain development may think of the child as a mini adult. This often leads to them asking their children to engage in behavior that is not yet age appropriate. When children don’t, it is seen as misbehavior. This is why it is so important to get into the child’s world to understand the child’s “private logic.”

Many parents may understand what they are supposed to do but lack the tools and insight to know how to do it. Understanding the history and theory of parenting and child development helps you grasp the importance of the underlying principles of Positive Discipline. In this book, you will learn to understand the beliefs your children form as they interact with the world, and the tools, the “how,” you can use to empower your children to adopt more encouraging beliefs.

Chapter 2

The Encouragement Model

A little boy finds a lovely cocoon in his garden. He watches it intently every day since he knows there is a butterfly inside. One day he can see little cracks in the surface of the cocoon as the butterfly is starting to emerge. Excited and wanting to be helpful, the little boy gently peels off the layers of the cocoon to reveal the butterfly inside. The butterfly tries to open its wings but has no strength, as it did not have an opportunity to build its muscles by breaking out of the cocoon. The little butterfly dies in the boy’s hands.

Positive Discipline Provides the Solution

Time and time again we see how parents’ misguided love leads to overprotection and the stymieing of children’s ability to develop the resilience and intrinsic motivation they need to be happy, contributing, well-­adjusted members of their communities. “So,” you ask, “am I to allow my child to suffer when I can help ease her struggles?” Well, actually, true suffering occurs when children grow up without developing a sense of capability, confidence, and the joy of contribution. Alfred Adler taught, “Every human being strives for significance, but people always make mistakes if they do not recognize that their significance lies in their contribution to the lives of others.”

You’ll find many tools in this book that foster capability, and you will also hear over and over how important it is to avoid lecturing, punishing, and inconsistent displays of affection. Our job as parents is to gently let our children experience both the good and the difficult and to be there with love and support to help them make sense of the world. There is of course no way we can be there always and forever to protect them and sort things out for them. What we can do is help them cope and thrive and provide them with the life skills they need to handle life’s ups and downs. It is not your job to make your children suffer, but it is your job to allow them to suffer in a supportive atmosphere where you teach skills so they can build their resiliency muscles.

Positive Discipline is an encouragement model. Since a misbehaving child is also a discouraged child, Dreikurs taught that “a child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.” All of the tools we share with you are encouraging to children (and to parents). They are designed to increase a sense of belonging and significance, and thus solve for the belief behind the behavior. To be more specific, they meet all five of the criteria for Positive Discipline that have been developed over decades of experience. Even though all Positive Discipline tools are designed to meet these criteria, it is essential to understand that they are based on Adlerian principles. They are not effective if used as “techniques” based on a script. When you understand the principles upon which a tool is based, and add your own wisdom and experience, you will find your own unique way to apply these tools.