Positive Discipline Parenting Tools

Chapter One

THE BASICS

Break the Code

Children decide amongst themselves which role they intend to play in the family and parents reinforce their decision.

—­Rudolf Dreikurs

You will be most effective with your children if you understand the “belief behind their behavior.”

Use the Mistaken Goal Chart:

1. Choose a behavior challenge.

2. Identify the feelings you have and how you react.

3. Identify the child’s reaction when you tell him or her to stop.

4. Use chart to identify what belief may be behind your child’s behavior.

5. Try the suggestions in the last column of the chart to encourage behavior change.

In the Introduction we introduced the iceberg analogy to demonstrate how Positive Discipline deals with both the behavior and the belief behind the behavior. In this chapter we introduce the Mistaken Goal Chart and four more icebergs illustrating four categories of beliefs that lead to what Rudolf Dreikurs called mistaken goals. He called them mistaken goals because the behavior is based on mistaken beliefs about how to achieve the primary goals of belonging and significance. These mistaken beliefs are undue attention, misguided power, revenge, and assumed inadequacy.

For undue attention, the belief is “I belong only when you pay constant attention to me, and/or give me special service.” The coded message that provides clues for encouragement is “Notice me. Involve me usefully.”

For misguided power, the belief is “I belong only when I’m the boss, or at least when I don’t let you boss me around.” The coded message that provides clues for encouragement is “Let me help. Give me choices.”

For revenge, the belief is “I don’t belong, and that hurts, so I’ll get even by hurting others.” The coded message that provides clues for encouragement is “I’m hurting. Validate my feelings.”

For assumed inadequacy, the belief is “I give up. Leave me alone.” The coded message that provides clues for encouragement is “Don’t give up on me. Show me a small step.”

Often Dreikurs was asked why he kept putting children in these boxes. He said, “I don’t keep putting them there; I keep finding them there.”

It is understandable that parents often react to misbehavior. How you feel in reaction to your child’s behavior is your first clue in breaking the code to your child’s behavior.

When a child’s goal is misguided power, some parents may say they feel helpless to “make” the child do what he or she is supposed to do. At a deeper level, these parents may be feeling challenged or defeated because they ­aren’t winning the power struggle. Many parents today still struggle with shifting from autocratic rule (“because I said so” parenting) to democratic (authoritative) leadership (“let’s solve this together”). Positive Discipline tools are designed to help parents across cultures shift away from inferior/superior relationships and ­toward a model that teaches respect and dignity for each individual while focusing on teaching important life skills for finding solutions to ­life’s problems.

Check out the Mistaken Goal Detective Clue Form below to help you navigate the Mistaken Goal Chart on page 28–31. It will help you “break the code” to your child’s behavior, along with offering you clues for ­encouragement—­ways to inspire your child to choose more empowering beliefs and behaviors.

Mistaken Goal Detective Clue Form

1. Think of a recent challenge you had with your child. Write it down. Describe what occurred as though you are writing a script: what did your child do, how did you react, and then what ­happened?

2. What were you feeling when you were in the middle of this ­challenge? (Choose a feeling from Column 2 of the Mistaken Goal Chart.) Write it down.

3. Now move your finger to the right across the row over to Column 3 of the Mistaken Goal Chart to see if the action you took in response to that feeling comes close to one of these typical responses. If your action is described in a different row instead, ­double-­check to see if there is a feeling in another row in Column 2 that better represents how you were feeling at a deeper level. (We often say we are feeling “annoyed” when, at a deeper level, we are feeling challenged or hurt; we often say we feel “­hopeless” or “helpless” when we ­really feel challenged or defeated in a power struggle.) How you react is a clue to your deeper feelings.

4. Now move your finger to the right across the row to Column 4. Do any of these descriptions come close to what the child did in response to your reaction?

5. Once you’ve identified what the child did in response to your reaction, move your finger left across the row to Column 1. It is likely that this is your child’s mistaken goal. Write it down.

6. Now move your finger to the right across the row to Column 5. You have just discovered what your child’s discouraging belief may be. Write it down.

7. Move your finger over to Column 6. Does this come close to a belief you have that may contribute to your child’s behavior? (Remember, this is not about ­blame—­only awareness.) While you are learning skills to encourage your child, you will also change your belief. Try it now. Write down a belief that would be more encouraging to your child. You’ll find clues in the last two ­columns.

8. Move your finger to the right, over to Column 7, where you will find the coded message about what your child needs in order to feel encouraged.

9. Move once more to the right, to the last column, to find some ideas you could try the next time you encounter this challenging behavior. (You can also use the Positive Discipline Tool Cards and/or your own wisdom to think of something you could do or say that would speak to the coded message in Column 7.) Write down your plan.

10. How did it go? Record in your journal exactly what happened. You want to revisit your success stories for future encouragement. If your plan ­wasn’t successful, try another tool. (See “Connection Before Correction,” later in this chapter, and make sure you first make a connection before making a correction.)

You will notice that the Mistaken Goal Chart includes a column called “How adults may contribute to the problem.” Helping parents become aware of how they contribute to misbehavior can be very touchy. For this reason, we will say over and over that it is not about blame or shame, but awareness.

Identifying the belief behind the behavior and the mistaken goal is not always easy, because children may use the same behaviors to achieve any of the four mistaken goals. For example, children may refuse to do their homework in order to gain attention (“Look at me, look at me”), to show power (“You can’t make me”), to seek revenge (“It hurts that my grades are more important to you than I am, so I will hurt you back”), or to express their sense of inadequacy (“I ­really can’t”). Parents have different feelings in each case. Effective intervention and encouragement will be different for each goal, so it is important that you use your reaction feeling as a clue to understand your child’s goal.

Note that we talk about “encouragement.” It does not matter whether the child’s beliefs are based on facts or on her perception of the situation. Behavior is based on what children believe is true, not what is true. Behavior changes when parents understand the belief and use encouragement (Positive Discipline tools) to help children find constructive ways to find belonging and significance.

Success Story from Korea

I have a ­7-­year-­old girl and an ­11-­year-­old boy. My daughter always wants to stay with me. Whenever I helped my son with his homework, she would stand in front of the door and ask me to come out and help her. Since I already spend so much time with her, I ­couldn’t understand why and used to scold her for her demanding so much attention.

I was feeling irritated, and worried about her constant whining.

I told her, “I need to help your brother solve difficult problems, so don’t stand in front of the door. Go to your room and play with your toys.” She would go to her room for a little while, but later she would resume the same behavior, calling me again for any of several reasons: “Read me a book,” “Play a game with me,” “Stay with me till I fall asleep.”

When I studied the Mistaken Goal Chart, I could see that her mistaken goal was undue attention. Her belief was “I feel significant only when I’m being noticed or getting special service.” Her coded message was “Notice me. Involve me usefully.”

I decided to redirect my daughter when she tried to gain my attention. The next time she called me when I was working with my son, I said with kindness and firmness, “I love you and will spend time with you later.”

She seemed satisfied and stayed in her room, drawing. Later I asked her what she wanted to do with me. She wanted to play the piano, so we played together. After that, the number of times she called me while I was working with her brother decreased.

—­Seonghwan Kim, Certified Positive Discipline Educator

Success Story from Prince George, British Columbia, Canada

My child kept taking ingredients off the counter while I was preparing dinner. I had just learned about the Mistaken Goal Chart. I felt irritated, so I realized his mistaken goal was undue attention.

Before learning about the mistaken goals, I would keep reminding him that dinner would be ready soon and that he should wait to eat. He seemed to think it was funny and would take more food when I told him to wait.

It seemed true that his belief could be “I belong only when you pay attention to me” and that his annoying behavior was intended to gain my attention.

I decided to try something related to the coded message “Notice me. Involve me usefully.” I cleared a space on the counter, prepared a bowl with some carrots in it, and asked him if he would like to sit with me while I prepared dinner. He ate a few carrots, chatted with me, and then went and played.

What a difference for both of us when I learned to provide ways for him to experience attention in useful ways!

—­Sarah Munt, Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator

Tool Tips

1. Make a copy of the Mistaken Goal Chart and several copies of the Mistaken Goal Detective Clue Form.

2. Practice using the Mistaken Goal Detective Clue Form until you are ready to become a ­full-­fledged behavior detective.

3. When you “misbehave,” use the Mistaken Goal Detective Clue Form to see if you can discover the belief behind your ­behavior—­and how to encourage yourself.

4. Teach the mistaken goals to your children to help them understand themselves, and use family meetings regularly to practice encouragement and problem solving.

Take Time for Training

A mother who constantly reminds and does things for a child unnecessarily not only takes a child’s responsibility away from him but also becomes dependent on him for her feeling of importance as a mother.
—­Rudolf Dreikurs

Training is an important part of teaching children life skills. Don’t expect children to know what to do without ­step-­by-­step training. For example, their standards of cleanliness differ wildly from yours, so you can’t simply tell your child to clean his room and expect him to clean it to your satisfaction.

1. Explain the task in a kind way as you perform it, while your child watches.

2. Do the task together.

3. Have your child do it by herself while you supervise.

4. When she feels ready, let her perform the task on her own.

Jane

Parents often don’t take time for training because life is hectic or because they don’t fully understand how important it is for children to contribute and how essential it is that they learn the skills that will allow them to contribute. Too many parents think children should be allowed to be children and that they can learn skills later. They do not realize that children develop beliefs about their capabilities during early childhood.

The following question from Tamee on the Positive Discipline Social Network (used by permission) provides an excellent opportunity for me to explain how to take time for training.

This morning my ­5-­year-­old put a bunch of dirty dishes from the sink into the dishwasher. It made me happy to see her doing this. Afterward I told her that was very helpful.

Then she said, “Since I did that for you, would you bring all my breakfast things to the table?”

I ­didn’t ­really think that was a good idea, since it would make doing dishes seem like something to do to get something in return. I said, “I’m willing to bring the gallon of milk out and pour it. You can do the rest.”

She started crying, saying it ­wasn’t fair that I ­didn’t do half of her breakfast things. It became a fit and she said, “Fine! I’ll just do it all myself!” which led to her feeling sorry for herself, having to pour the big heavy gallon all by herself and blaming me for it. Help!

I asked Tamee if her daughter was used to getting rewards from someone else. Tamee shared that her ­ex-­husband and ­ex-­mother-­in-­law used rewards all the time. It ­wasn’t a difficult guess to make, because her daughter’s behavior was typical of the ­long-­term results of rewards.

My suggestion for Tamee was to let her daughter have her feelings without trying to rescue her or talk her out of them, and then later take time for training by brainstorming together to create a list of things they could do for other people without expecting anything in return. This is a good example of seeing challenges as opportunities for teaching skills.

You can make time for training fun by turning it into a game. “Let’s find at least one thing to do for each other every day as a surprise, and see how long it takes the other person to find out what it was.” This could be expanded at dinnertime discussions by sharing, “What did you do for someone else today without expecting anything back?”

We need to take time for training in many areas, such as manners and problem solving, instead of expecting children to learn from our lectures. Children may resist the training you provide in your home (it is part of their individuation ­process—­always testing how to use their power in a safe place), but your friends and neighbors will notice and tell you what a great kid you have. Get over your shock and keep taking time for training, even when it seems like it isn’t working.