Chapter One
UNDERSTANDING YOUR STUDENTS
Become a Mistaken Goal Detective
When we know the goal of a person, we know approximately what will follow.
—Alfred Adler
As stated in the Introduction, a unique and most important insight of Positive Discipline is the understanding that there is a belief behind every behavior. Students have a reason for doing what they do. Adler called it “private logic.” A student’s behavior may not make sense to us, but it makes sense to him or her. In Positive Discipline we teach adults to be “behavior detectives” by trying to understand the belief behind the behavior.
It’s time to channel your inner detective and start reading the signals that your students are sending you. This means that you will be a teacher whose energy is focused on following clues to discover the belief behind a student’s behavior, rather than a teacher focused on needlessly punishing unacceptable behavior. It means you will use your best teaching skills to encourage a student to develop a new belief and a new behavior.
The Mistaken Goal Chart (page 12) and the Mistaken Goal Detective Clue Form (page 11) help you become a master behavior detective. Use them to solve the mystery of how to encourage a challenging student.
Mistaken Goal Detective Clue Form
1.Think of a recent challenge you had with a student. Write it down. Describe what occurred as though you are writing a script: What did your student do? How did you react? What happened next?
2.What were you feeling when you were in the middle of this challenge? (Choose a feeling from Column 2 of the Mistaken Goal Chart.) Write it down.
3.Now move your finger over to Column 3 of the Mistaken Goal Chart to see if your behavior, as you described it in your challenge, comes close to any of these typical adult responses. If what you did is described better in a different row, double-check to see if there is a feeling in another row in Column 2 that better represents how you were feeling at a deeper level. (For example, we often say we are feeling annoyed when, at a deeper level, we are feeling challenged or hurt, or we might say we feel hopeless and helpless when we really feel challenged or defeated in a power struggle.) How you react is a clue to your deeper feelings.
4.Move your finger across to Column 4. Do any of these descriptions come close to what the child did in response to your reaction?
5.Now move your finger back to Column 1 of the Mistaken Goal Chart. It is likely that this is your child’s mistaken goal. Write it down.
6.Move your finger to the right, to Column 5. You have just discovered what may be the discouraging belief that is the basis for the student’s mistaken goal. Write it down.
7.Move your finger to Column 6. Does this come close to a belief you have that may contribute to the student’s misbehavior? (Remember, this is not about blame, only about awareness.) While you are learning skills to encourage the student, you will also change your own belief! Try it now by writing down a response that would be more encouraging to your student. You’ll find clues in the last two columns.
8.Move your finger to Column 7, where you will find the coded message the child is sending about what he or she needs in order to feel encouraged.
9.Move once more to Column 8, the last one, to find some ideas you could try the next time the student presents this challenging behavior. You can also use your own wisdom to think of what to do or say that would speak to the coded message in Column 7. Write down your plan.
10.How did it go? Record in your journal exactly what you discovered and what happened. Did the student’s behavior change? Did yours? If your plan isn’t successful the first time, try another tool. Make certain that in every effort you begin by making a connection before you attempt a correction.
Another way to discern mistaken goals is to use what Dreikurs called “goal disclosure.” The Mistaken Goal Chart may not include a particular student’s belief, but it can help you make informed and helpful guesses about what the motivating belief may be. The goal disclosure process can help you confirm your guesses in a way that creates a connection with the student, because it provides the deepest form of empathy: helping the student feel deeply understood.
Goal Disclosure
Wait for a calm time (not during conflict) to talk with a student in private. A friendly atmosphere is essential. Ask the student for permission to make guesses about why he or she is behaving in a certain way. Let the student know that he or she can tell you if you have guessed correctly or not. (This is usually an intriguing challenge to the student.) Ask the questions below, one at a time. If after any question you get a yes or a recognition reflex (for example, a spontaneous smile even while saying no—the no is an automatic denial, while the smile suggests that the student has subconsciously gained a deeper understanding of herself), you can follow up with plans for the student to get her needs met in ways that are positive and empowering. If no clarifying response to a question occurs, go on to the next question.
1.“Could it be that you do this particular behavior to get my attention?” (Undue Attention)
2.“Could it be that you want to show me I can’t make you do as I ask?” (Misguided Power)
3.“Could it be that you feel hurt and want to hurt back?” (Revenge)
4.“Could it be you believe you can’t succeed and want to be left alone?” (Assumed Inadequacy)
Here are some effective responses if the student responds with a yes (or a recognition reflex) to a question indicating a specific goal.
1.Undue Attention: “Everyone wants attention. There are encouraging ways and discouraging ways to get attention. Would you be willing to work with me on a plan for you to get attention in ways that are positive and encouraging to others as well as yourself, such as a morning greeter?”
2.Misguided Power: “Power can be used in encouraging ways or discouraging ways. I would appreciate your help in using your power in ways that are useful to yourself and the whole class. Would you be willing to lead our class meeting tomorrow, or would you like to be a tutor in one of the lower grades for a student who needs some help?”
3.Revenge: “I can see that you are feeling hurt. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?” When the mistaken goal is Revenge, validating hurt feelings is often enough to invite behavior change. If it doesn’t seem that validation is enough, follow up by saying, “Would you like to get together again tomorrow to see if we can figure out some ways to find a solution to this challenge?”
4.Assumed Inadequacy: “I won’t give up on you. I care too much. We’ll do whatever it takes to help you succeed. Let me show you some small steps to help you get started.” (For example, if the child is having trouble drawing a circle, say, “I’ll draw the first half of the circle, and you can draw the second half.” This technique can be effective with whatever learning task the student is struggling with.)
Goal disclosure can be a powerful tool. When the teacher’s empathy is genuine, the student experiences a connection with the teacher that is deeply caring. Goal disclosure will help you better understand your student, and your student will gain valuable insights about his or her deeper needs and motivations.
A teacher’s friendly demeanor during goal disclosure demonstrates how much he or she cares. Because effective goal disclosure includes authentic empathy from the teacher and a new sense of connection for the student, the process will increase the student’s feeling of belonging and contribution. Remember, when belonging and contribution increase, misbehavior decreases.
tool in action from kowloon, hong kong
Alex is an eight-year-old boy. He is very intelligent, but he cannot make friends at school. Most of the girls just walk away from him. Most of the boys fight with him. Refusing to follow instructions from teachers or parents is a big issue for Alex. He will avoid participation when he has no interest in a subject. The PE teacher has a very hard time calming him down when he interrupts the class because he wants to avoid group participation. He is very good at math and science, but when he finishes assigned tasks early and is bored, he becomes disruptive. He told me that he understands his behaviors are not acceptable sometimes, but he cannot control his emotions.
Most of our teachers feel challenged, defeated, and angry with Alex. They prefer dealing with Alex through methods that exclude him from the group. They ask him to calm himself down by standing outside the classroom, or they send him to time-out when he interrupts the learning of others in class.
I feel upset about his behaviors. He is smart enough to understand what he is doing. He knows what is right and wrong, but he chooses not to do what is right. He makes trouble for himself in his classes. Given his misbehavior, it was inevitable that eventually nobody wanted to be his friend.
When I follow the Mistaken Goal Chart, I see that his goal is Misguided Power. He wants to have power, “to be the boss.” Alex may be thinking, “The teacher cannot make me follow her instructions. I feel safe and happy if I can control this situation. I am the boss and nobody can tell me what to do.”
Using the Coded Messages column (“Let me help. Give me choices”) and suggestions in the last column, we decided to create more responsibilities for Alex and to encourage him to help others. I had a meeting with Alex in which we discussed the issues, and I invited him to choose a few reasonable options to try over a period of at least one month. I created the following chart to keep track of the existing behavior and two options of new behaviors for Alex to choose.
During the next few weeks, Alex might slip into his old behaviors, and I would ask, “What did you decide you would do when you are bored?” He would remember his choice and would do it. Alex’s behavior did not become perfect, but he improved dramatically. He shared that he feels good and strong when he takes this responsibility.
Issue in the classroomExisting behaviors New Option 1 New Option 2Decision and result
Alex is bored when he completes his work in the classroom.He walks around and interrupts or distracts other classmates.He can ask his teacher to give him more work to do to keep him busy until the class completes the activity.He can ask the teacher’s permission to help other classmates who can benefit from his knowledge.Alex chose option 1.
It keeps him busy focusing on his own work, and he has no time to interrupt others.
He dislikes the group activities in PE class.He argues with the PE teacher or runs away, leaving the classroom or group. He can ask the PE teacher if he can take a rest and sit down outside the group. (Positive Time-Out)He can ask the PE teacher if he can observe the activity first and try it himself only when he feels he is ready to do so.Alex chose option 1.
The PE teacher gave me feedback that it is easier to help him calm down when he chooses “Positive time out.”
The PE teacher was able to focus on his teaching by not spending time correcting or arguing with Alex during the activity.
He always fights with others.When classmates disagree with his ideas during teamwork, he has a strong intention to prove that he is right and ends up fighting with others.Alex can write down the ideas or opinions of group members first, and then take his turn to share his own ideas.Alex realized that when he wrote down his classmates’ opinions and focused on common points between them, he could vote with the majority.
He enjoyed serving the group rather than spending time fighting over right or wrong.
—Ms. Siu Mei (Veronica) Ho, school counselor, Certified Positive Discipline Educator
tool in action from atlanta, georgia
After over thirty years of teaching children from different backgrounds and with different abilities, I have found that the program that works for all children in a positive, encouraging, respectful way is Positive Discipline. Positive Discipline has helped me redirect my discipline methods toward a more child-focused approach. I am more effective at helping my students find new, more appropriate behaviors, along with a sense of belonging and significance in my classroom.
The tool I use during each and every school day is the Mistaken Goal Chart. This tool has made the biggest difference in my understanding of a child’s purposeful, although at times misguided, behavior. By recognizing the child’s belief behind his behavior of choice, I have been able to redirect behavior so that positive outcomes can occur for the child, myself, and the whole class.
Instead of being irritated by a child who consistently needs undue attention, I now see the purpose behind his behavior and understand the child’s private logic and misguided goal. Instead of reacting out of my own stress when I feel irritated, I become a goal detective and look for the coded message in the child’s misbehavior. I realize the child’s behavior is his way of saying “notice me, connect with me.” I have a game plan that immediately brings into play the tools that will help the student connect in positive, constructive ways, rather than continuing to seek this connection in negative ways. I know that giving the student a job, involving the student in a cooperative learning group, and simply taking a moment to check in with him individually are all ways to meet his goal in a positive way and facilitate change. Knowing there is always a goal behind a student’s behavior keeps me from simply reacting emotionally and becoming a part of the child’s misguided behavior. Instead, I can think rationally and focus on the clues that reveal the student’s actual need as opposed to the mistaken belief that is motivating his negative behavior.
—Meg Frederick, kindergarten teacher, Atlanta
Tool Tips
1.It takes a paradigm shift to remember to deal with the belief behind the behavior instead of just the behavior.
2.Using the Mistaken Goal Detective Clue Form and goal disclosure takes time that will be saved tenfold when it helps a student experience the kind of encouragement that invites behavior change.
What the Research Says
Copyright © 2017 by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
