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Welcoming Baby
What You Need to Know in the First Few Months
The birth of a baby is a momentous occasion, a landmark event never forgotten by those who have experienced it. A new parent may be shocked by the news that a baby is on the way, or thrilled that the days of pregnancy tests and “trying” are finally over. Either way, there is no ignoring this life-changing bit of news. Your life as an independent, spontaneous person will change: Baby is on the way.
Most adults find that adding an infant to the family, no matter how anticipated and dearly loved that infant may be, brings changes that take some getting used to. Adult relationships must flex and adapt, making room for the new addition. Schedules and priorities change, as does Mom’s body. Babies can be perplexing little people, operating by rules known only to them—and each comes with his own unique set of rules. Some parents are blessed with an “easy” first baby, and are then shocked and mystified when their second baby is not so easy. Others begin with a “challenging” baby, and are pleasantly surprised when their second baby is “easier.”
The first few months of your new baby’s life may be exhausting, exhilarating, and challenging, all at once. It may be hard to believe, but one day you will look back at these demanding days and sleepless nights with nostalgia and realize your child grew up much too fast. But for now, those musings lie far in the future.
Setting the Stage for Baby
Close your eyes for just a moment and think back to the first time you saw your newborn’s face. She may have been red, bald, and wrinkled, but chances are you felt you’d never seen anything more beautiful, or heard anything sweeter than her first cries. Writers and painters have tried to capture the magic of those first moments of life, but words and pictures are rarely powerful enough to convey what happens between parent and child.
For most parents, the months leading up to that miraculous moment of birth are filled with plans, dreams, and a few worries. In reflective moments, you probably wondered whether you would be a good parent, whether you’d know what to do, whether the baby would be “all right.” Expectant parents talk endlessly about the relative merits of cloth and disposable diapers, of nursing and formula feeding, of store-bought and homemade baby food. They discuss names for hours, saying them aloud to see how they fit.
New parents buy and are given impossibly tiny garments and mysterious articles with odd names like “receiving blanket.” They wonder if they’ll somehow know what to do with them (both the babies and the blankets) when the time comes. They purchase and ponder over the fascinating gadgetry of babyhood: car seats, carriers, cribs, pacifiers, bottles, breast pumps, and monitors. The grandparents “tsk, tsk” as they point out that millions of children were raised without all these fancy gadgets, or they rush out to buy even more dazzling ones. In this age of consumerism, with so many adorable clothes and such tempting equipment available, who can possibly resist? This is a time for endless dreaming, a time for hope and wonder.
Fantasy Versus Reality
Sometimes, though, when you carry that helpless little bundle of humanity home from the hospital, the dreams fade a bit in the harsh light of reality. The baby cries, sometimes for hours, and it’s up to you to figure out why. Or the little darling sleeps all day then gurgles happily all night, much to the dismay of his sleep-deprived parents. Babies seem to be born with a detector that lets them know when Mom wants to eat, so they can interrupt with a need of their own. The baby spits up when you’re dressed to go out, may have several bowel movements in a single night, and sometimes cries angrily when handed to eager relatives.
From those first moments, parenting young children can become an avalanche of questions, anxieties, and frustrations, as well as an incredible source of love and joy. As that precious baby grows, develops, and changes, life can become a seemingly endless stream of challenging decisions and new ideas to be tested.
As your child grows, people in public places may smile knowingly or talk about the “terrible twos.” Many parents feel completely at the mercy of the adorable little tyrant their baby or toddler has become, while others seem confident and at ease handling meltdowns or constant interruptions.
How Will I Know What to Do?
Most of us learn parenting skills from our parents or by trial and error. You may not like the way you were raised and vow to be different from your own parents, or you see others raising children and disagree with their choices. (Judging the parenting choices of others has become an international pastime.) But what should you do instead? You don’t want to be too strict, but is permissiveness the only alternative? You don’t want to be overly controlling—but how do you create order and consistency? You may worry that your mistakes will have too high a cost.
You have so many questions: Do I spank my child or not? If spanking is okay, how soon should I start? How do I communicate with an infant who doesn’t understand words? How do I get my child to listen? How do I handle a defiant toddler? How do I decide what’s really important? How can I help my child develop a sense of self-worth, while teaching her responsibility, honesty, and kindness? How do I take care of myself so I can relax and enjoy this experience?
Advice is in plentiful supply—grandparents, uncles, and aunts (and the lady behind you in line at the grocery store) will have lots of it—but whose advice is right? Even the “experts” disagree. Some suggest punishment (even in the poorly disguised form of logical consequences), while others (including the authors and the latest brain research) suggest that punishment is not effective. Some claim rewards are important. Others (including the authors and many researchers) believe rewards teach manipulation and a reduced sense of self-worth instead of valuable social and life skills. It is our hope as authors, and as parents, that you will find answers in this book that will make sense to you, as well as clues to help you use your own wisdom, creativity, and knowledge of your child to go beyond what can be written in words.
This book is designed to be of use to both parents and their frequent partners in child rearing: childcare teachers, nannies, sitters, and relatives. Examples of home and childcare situations will be given throughout this book to show how the principles of Positive Discipline can be applied to all aspects of a young child’s life. Developmental information and research will be included wherever appropriate, along with information about the way babies and young children grow and learn. Because it can be immensely helpful for all the adults who influence a child’s life to have the same understanding about how to raise him, you may want to share this book with the staff at your childcare center, your babysitter, or other members of your family.
Your Family Is Your Family
All families, like all children, are different. Not all babies are born into two-parent families with a home in the suburbs, two cars, and a family dog. Your family may indeed look like that, or it may take a different shape altogether. You may be a single parent, through divorce or death or because you never married; you and your partner may have brought children from previous relationships, and added those you have had together; you may have live-in grandparents or other relatives; or you may share a home with friends and their children.You may be part of the LGBT community, or a particular ethnic group with its own valued traditions. In the end, what matters is the connection you build with your child and your commitment to respectful, effective parenting.
A family, it has been said, is a circle of people who love one another. Whatever form your family takes, remember that it will be whatever you have the courage to make it. With wisdom, patience, and love, you can create a home where your child feels safe, secure, and free to grow and learn, and where she can become a responsible, respectful, and resourceful person—and where you will find joy in your parenting role.
What Do You Want for Your Child? The Importance of Long-Term Parenting
Life with an active toddler can make you feel like you’re on a runaway train. The days zoom past, each one filled with new marvels, new discoveries, new crises. Parents often have to scurry to keep up with their young offspring and sometimes have little time available for thoughtful planning. But think for a moment: Wouldn’t it be helpful, as you set out on the journey of parenting, to have some idea of your final destination?
Perhaps one of the wisest things you can do right now is to take a moment to ask yourself a very important question: What is it that I really want for my child? When your baby, your toddler, or your preschooler has grown into an adult (as impossible as that may seem now), what qualities and characteristics do you want this adult to have? You may decide that you want your child to develop responsibility, resilience, honesty, compassion, self-reliance, courage, and gratitude—each parent’s list will be a little different. What truly matters is this: From your child’s earliest moments of life, the decisions you make as a parent will help shape his future. Each and every action you take—whether or not you slap your child’s hand as he reaches for a delicate object, how you deal with food thrown across the kitchen, or how you respond to bedtime demands—can nurture or discourage those qualities you want to promote. Your child is constantly making decisions about himself and the world, and how to find belonging and significance in that world. These decisions are based on how he interprets his experiences in life, and they create his “blueprint” for living. Your actions and beliefs will have a strong influence on his decisions.
This idea feels overwhelming to most parents. You may be wondering, “What if I make mistakes? How will I know what to do?” Please, be reassured: Mistakes are not insurmountable failures, but valuable opportunities to learn. (Seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn is a fundamental concept of Positive Discipline.) Trying to protect your child from all mistakes is detrimental to learning resilience and developing a sense of capability. Both you and your child will make many mistakes along the way, but they needn’t cause irreparable damage if you’re willing to learn from them together. The most valuable parenting tools are those you already possess: your love for your child and your own inner wisdom and common sense. Learning to trust these instincts will carry you far along the road to successful parenting.
Remember, too, that children, especially very young children, learn by watching and imitating those around them. Your little one not only will want to push the vacuum or wash the dishes the way Mom, Dad, or Grandma does, but also will imitate the values you live by, such as honesty, kindness, and justice. When you use mistakes as opportunities to learn, your children will absorb this valuable attitude. Let your actions as a parent teach your child that he or she is loved and respected, that choices have consequences (not the kind you impose, but the kind you can help her explore), and that home is a safe and wonderful place to be.
A Word About Love
Many things are done to children (or withheld from children) in the name of love. “I spank my children because I love them,” parents say. Or “I rescue and overprotect my children because I love them.” “I love my children, so I don’t help them much—they need to learn it’s a tough world out there.” “I push my children (in toilet training, or early reading, or sports activities, or academic excellence) because I love them.” “I work long hours because I love my children and I want them to have everything I never had.” “I make decisions for my children because I love them too much to risk letting them make wrong choices.” In this book, you will have an opportunity to explore the long-term effects of what you do in the name of love.
Parents often say that they feel overwhelmed by the intensity of their love for their children, and it is tempting to demonstrate that love by allowing children to do, say, and especially have whatever they want. Your eighteen-month-old may be cute and adorable now when he grabs your smartphone out of your hands to play a game. You may even giggle when he tries out the four-letter word he learned from his older brother. Will it still be cute when he’s five and does the same things?
Actually, whether you love your child is not the question. The real issue is whether you can show that love in ways that nurture accountability and a sense of capability, and that encourage your child to blossom into his full potential as a happy, contributing member of society. Eventually, most parents realize that genuine love requires that they love their children enough to set wise boundaries, to say no when they must, and to help them learn to live peacefully and respectfully in a world filled with other people.
Firm, Flexible, and Gentle
Imagine a tree, its roots anchoring it deep into the ground. Far above, at the tips of its slender branches, rests a bird’s nest. In that nest are one or more tiny, fragile eggs. When the wind blows, the tree’s branches sway in gentle arcs, but its grip on that small nest remains firm.
This image of gentleness combined with flexibility and firmness translates well to the task of parenting young children, and forms the foundation for many of the principles you will learn throughout this book. You can stand with your feet (or values) firmly rooted while still guiding your child with steady, gentle hands and a kind voice. This is not an easy task; it requires patience, energy, and boundless hope.
Redefining “We” and “Me”: Care for Parents
Adding “parent” to your definition of who you are means adding all sorts of new roles and responsibilities. It may also mean rearranging some of the roles you already have. One study found that many couples who had previously reported being happily married experienced a sharp drop in marital satisfaction after the arrival of a baby. Why?
Copyright © 2015 by Jane Nelsen. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
