Making Great Relationships

Introduction

Most of our joys and most of our sorrows come from our connections with other people. Just about everyone wants to be in healthy, fulfilling relationships. But how to actually do this, at home and at work, with friends and relatives, with people you like—and perhaps some you don’t? How can you handle conflicts, repair misunderstandings, get treated better, deepen a romantic partnership, be at peace with others, and give the love that you have in your heart?

Many of us feel stuck, even trapped in our relationships. Perhaps with a tricky coworker or a frustrating roommate, a co-parent who won’t do their share, an estranged relative, an overly critical boss, or a spouse who’s drifting away from you. It can seem hopeless.

But here’s the good news: Thousands of scientific studies show that relationships are not given; they are made. This gives us the power to make them better—and I once heard a teaching story that tells us how:

An elder was asked what she had done to become so happy and wise, so loved and respected. She replied: “It’s because I know that there are two wolves in my heart, a wolf of love and a wolf of hate. And I know that everything depends on which one I feed each day.

You may have heard a version of this story yourself. It is so hopeful! Every day, with what you think and say, you can gradually build up a sense of self-worth, compassion, and confidence inside, while also becoming more relaxed, patient, and effective with others.

As a psychologist, husband, and father—and as someone who was shy and awkward as a kid, and struggled as an adult in some relationships—I’ve learned what makes relationships go badly, and what you can do to make them go better. This book will show you fifty simple, yet powerful ways to communicate effectively in all kinds of settings, stand up for yourself, express your deep feelings, stay out of no-win quarrels, say (and get) what you want, resize relationships as needed, forgive others and yourself, take things less personally, feel truly loved—and much more. It’s the distillation of many years of experience, and it holds everything I would want to give to anyone who wants to know how to grow good relationships, and even great ones.

It usually takes a good deal of time to change the world around you. Inner change can happen a lot faster. You can take the steps that are within your own power to heal old wounds, to find support and happiness in your relationships as they are, and to make them even better. These are the fundamentals of any relationship, and you can apply them in any setting. I’ve focused on their essence in short chapters that rapidly cover a lot of ground, and am sometimes blunt and direct, offering real-world lessons drawn from decades as a psychotherapist with couples and families. I’m writing from my own background—as a white, professional, older man—and will unavoidably leave out important perspectives and issues. Please adapt what I say to your own needs and situations.

In parts one and two, we establish the vital foundation of support for yourself and a warm heart for others. Parts three and four lay the groundwork for dealing with conflicts and challenging people. Part five explores effective communication in detail, including what to do when things get intense. Part six expands the scope of our relationships to our communities, to all of life, and to our whole beautiful world.

Each chapter stands on its own as a complete practice. While the chapters build on each other, it’s fine to jump around to what’s most useful to you at the moment. I’ll occasionally mention research findings, and you can easily find references in my books Hardwiring Happiness and Neurodharma, as well as online. If you come across something you’ve heard me say elsewhere, you can explore it more deeply or skip ahead a bit. In the space here, I haven’t been able to address the important topics of finances, sex, childrearing, cyberbullying, workplace harassment, or the ways that our relationships can be burdened by sexism, racism, and other kinds of prejudice. I use mainly gender-neutral language, such as they or them.

Every day gives us chances to learn and heal and grow. We just keep trying. You can relate to some chapters as aspirational, such as “Say What You Want” (chapter 43) or “Take Care of Your Side of the Street” (chapter 24). What’s important is that you keep moving in a positive direction and don’t feel you have to be perfect.

In these pages, you’ll find many specific things you could do inside your mind or outwardly with other people. For simplicity, I state most of them as instructions—and feel free to ignore the ones that don’t work for you. Some will seem easy and obvious, and others will take more effort and be an ongoing exploration. Find what’s good for you, and it’s fine to leave the rest.

You could read this book on your own, or together with another person to improve that relationship. This book is not therapy, or any substitute for professional treatment of physical or mental health conditions. I’ve tried to write it as if I were talking with a friend about a relationship to explore its key issues and offer ideas and tools that would be immediately helpful. I hope that you get a lot out of reading this book, and that whatever you gain will ripple into the world to benefit other people as well.