Will and Attention

A Memoir

In this luminous memoir of secret drinking, fragile recovery, and the deep pull of religion, award-winning essayist Meghan O’Gieblyn seeks to understand why it is so hard to sustain the difficult work of personal change.

“A brilliant portrait of a brilliant person:  gentle, melancholy, bracing, and astute.”—Lorrie Moore

“An elegant and philosophical memoir about addiction whose stakes are no less than what comprises one's will to live”—Melissa Febos


After leaving evangelical Christianity in her early twenties, kicking an addiction, and building a life as a writer, Meghan O’Gieblyn was admired by her friends for having a strong will. Then, in her late thirties, she began secretly attending Catholic mass and meeting with a priest to discuss conversion. After eleven years of sobriety, she began drinking again. Both returns—to organized religion and to alcohol—felt to her like a regression, a personal defeat. Knowledge and determination had proven useless when it came to her most vexing personal battles.

In Will and Attention, O’Gieblyn captures those perplexing days. Soon after her return to sobriety, she looked to a series of spiritual texts for answers and began putting them in conversation with her life. She was struck by the words of philosopher and mystic Simone Weil: “We have to try to cure our faults by attention and not by will.”  Will had certainly failed her; perhaps the answer lay in attention to her wandering mind and heart? Inspired by this possibility, she set out to find a spirituality that could meet her longings and prove capacious enough to hold the dark side of human nature.

The book tracks her pursuit as she practices social distancing among the academics and artists of her Midwestern college town; attends conferences as part of the AI commentariat when the world opens again; traces her evangelical roots at a Bible camp on the dunes of Lake Michigan, and reminisces about her early years lost to drinking. Faced at midlife with the temptation to blow it all up, she seeks the grounding consolations of marriage, friendship, political engagement, and art. She makes a case for finding beauty in what is good.

Written with the sparkling intellect and searching rigor that are Meghan O’Gieblyn’s signature, Will and Attention is a singular memoir of recovery and discovery that plumbs the elusive nature of our power over ourselves.
© courtesy of the author
MEGHAN O'GIEBLYN is a writer and the author of God, Human, Animal, Machine, a finalist for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize in Science & Technology. Her first book, Interior States, won the 2018 Believer Book Award for nonfiction.  Her criticism and essays have appeared in Harper's Magazine, The New Yorker, n+1, The Point, The Baffler, Wired, The New York Review of Books, The Guardian, The New York Times, and other publications. View titles by Meghan O'Gieblyn
Praise for Will and Attention

“An elegant and philosophical memoir about addiction whose stakes are no less than what comprises one's will to live, what it means to be good, and the worth of devotion. I savored equally O'Gieblyn's sentences and the turns of her thought—at once precise as the cut of a razor and as pleasurably discursive as Montaigne.”
—Melissa Febos, bestselling author of Girlhood and The Dry Season

“Meghan O’Gieblyn is a seeker, a wry skeptic, a spiritual explorer, and a beautiful writer. Will and Attention amounts to a brilliant portrait of a brilliant person: gentle, melancholy, bracing, and astute.”
—Lorrie Moore, award-winning author of Birds of America and Self-Help

“Most memoirs look retroactively at—and therefore create—the story of the self. Will and Attention has dispensed with the notion that this is possible. Instead, Meghan O’Gieblyn explores the recursive nature of struggle, the untidiness of growth, and the humility of being human. Will and Attention is a profound act of personal, spiritual, and philosophical inquiry. I’ll be thinking about this book for a long time.”
—Chloe Benjamin, New York Times-bestselling author of The Immortalists and The Anatomy of Dreams

Will and Attention is a gorgeous meditation on recovery, humanity, and spirituality. With profound wisdom, Meghan O'Gieblyn has penned a memoir that asks what it takes for us to return—and commit—to the goodness of our truest selves.”
—Qian Julie Wang, New York Times-bestselling author of Beautiful Country

“O’Gieblyn’s memoir is a reminder of the power that is dormant in philosophy and poetry, fragments of human insight that lie ready to speak to us in times of need.”
—Clare Mac Cumhaill and Rachael Wiseman, co-authors of Metaphysical Animals, finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award

“The poet Randall Jarrell once wrote, “Pain comes out of the darkness, and we call it wisdom. It is pain.” But if we practice the kind of unflinching self-reflection that Meghan O’Gieblyn performs in her ravishing new memoir Will and Attention, then a hard-won peace is also possible. An utterly compelling exploration of the mysteries of the human heart for anyone who’s fallen down and struggled to find forgiveness as they rise back up.”
—Quan Barry, author of We Ride Upon Sticks and The Unveiling

Will and Attention is a feat of uncommon honesty. O'Gieblyn's intellectual rigor and spiritual bravery land her in the firmament of the finest thinkers to take up these two vast, essential, and entwined subjects, among them Simone Weil, Iris Murdoch and Carl Jung. A bracing, beautiful book that reads like a fortifying talk with an intimate companion. Mesmerizing, invigorating, and profound.”
—Claire Vaye Watkins, author of Gold Fame Citrus and I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness

“Staggering. This is the single best book about the relationship between faith and addiction I have ever read, which, by definition, makes it the single best book about addiction I have ever read. A prayer to recovery in the deepest sense of the word: the reclamation of something fundamental. It turns out the God-shaped hole was book-shaped all along.”
—Keiran Goddard, author of I See Buildings Fall Like Lightning

About

In this luminous memoir of secret drinking, fragile recovery, and the deep pull of religion, award-winning essayist Meghan O’Gieblyn seeks to understand why it is so hard to sustain the difficult work of personal change.

“A brilliant portrait of a brilliant person:  gentle, melancholy, bracing, and astute.”—Lorrie Moore

“An elegant and philosophical memoir about addiction whose stakes are no less than what comprises one's will to live”—Melissa Febos


After leaving evangelical Christianity in her early twenties, kicking an addiction, and building a life as a writer, Meghan O’Gieblyn was admired by her friends for having a strong will. Then, in her late thirties, she began secretly attending Catholic mass and meeting with a priest to discuss conversion. After eleven years of sobriety, she began drinking again. Both returns—to organized religion and to alcohol—felt to her like a regression, a personal defeat. Knowledge and determination had proven useless when it came to her most vexing personal battles.

In Will and Attention, O’Gieblyn captures those perplexing days. Soon after her return to sobriety, she looked to a series of spiritual texts for answers and began putting them in conversation with her life. She was struck by the words of philosopher and mystic Simone Weil: “We have to try to cure our faults by attention and not by will.”  Will had certainly failed her; perhaps the answer lay in attention to her wandering mind and heart? Inspired by this possibility, she set out to find a spirituality that could meet her longings and prove capacious enough to hold the dark side of human nature.

The book tracks her pursuit as she practices social distancing among the academics and artists of her Midwestern college town; attends conferences as part of the AI commentariat when the world opens again; traces her evangelical roots at a Bible camp on the dunes of Lake Michigan, and reminisces about her early years lost to drinking. Faced at midlife with the temptation to blow it all up, she seeks the grounding consolations of marriage, friendship, political engagement, and art. She makes a case for finding beauty in what is good.

Written with the sparkling intellect and searching rigor that are Meghan O’Gieblyn’s signature, Will and Attention is a singular memoir of recovery and discovery that plumbs the elusive nature of our power over ourselves.

Author

© courtesy of the author
MEGHAN O'GIEBLYN is a writer and the author of God, Human, Animal, Machine, a finalist for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize in Science & Technology. Her first book, Interior States, won the 2018 Believer Book Award for nonfiction.  Her criticism and essays have appeared in Harper's Magazine, The New Yorker, n+1, The Point, The Baffler, Wired, The New York Review of Books, The Guardian, The New York Times, and other publications. View titles by Meghan O'Gieblyn

Praise

Praise for Will and Attention

“An elegant and philosophical memoir about addiction whose stakes are no less than what comprises one's will to live, what it means to be good, and the worth of devotion. I savored equally O'Gieblyn's sentences and the turns of her thought—at once precise as the cut of a razor and as pleasurably discursive as Montaigne.”
—Melissa Febos, bestselling author of Girlhood and The Dry Season

“Meghan O’Gieblyn is a seeker, a wry skeptic, a spiritual explorer, and a beautiful writer. Will and Attention amounts to a brilliant portrait of a brilliant person: gentle, melancholy, bracing, and astute.”
—Lorrie Moore, award-winning author of Birds of America and Self-Help

“Most memoirs look retroactively at—and therefore create—the story of the self. Will and Attention has dispensed with the notion that this is possible. Instead, Meghan O’Gieblyn explores the recursive nature of struggle, the untidiness of growth, and the humility of being human. Will and Attention is a profound act of personal, spiritual, and philosophical inquiry. I’ll be thinking about this book for a long time.”
—Chloe Benjamin, New York Times-bestselling author of The Immortalists and The Anatomy of Dreams

Will and Attention is a gorgeous meditation on recovery, humanity, and spirituality. With profound wisdom, Meghan O'Gieblyn has penned a memoir that asks what it takes for us to return—and commit—to the goodness of our truest selves.”
—Qian Julie Wang, New York Times-bestselling author of Beautiful Country

“O’Gieblyn’s memoir is a reminder of the power that is dormant in philosophy and poetry, fragments of human insight that lie ready to speak to us in times of need.”
—Clare Mac Cumhaill and Rachael Wiseman, co-authors of Metaphysical Animals, finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award

“The poet Randall Jarrell once wrote, “Pain comes out of the darkness, and we call it wisdom. It is pain.” But if we practice the kind of unflinching self-reflection that Meghan O’Gieblyn performs in her ravishing new memoir Will and Attention, then a hard-won peace is also possible. An utterly compelling exploration of the mysteries of the human heart for anyone who’s fallen down and struggled to find forgiveness as they rise back up.”
—Quan Barry, author of We Ride Upon Sticks and The Unveiling

Will and Attention is a feat of uncommon honesty. O'Gieblyn's intellectual rigor and spiritual bravery land her in the firmament of the finest thinkers to take up these two vast, essential, and entwined subjects, among them Simone Weil, Iris Murdoch and Carl Jung. A bracing, beautiful book that reads like a fortifying talk with an intimate companion. Mesmerizing, invigorating, and profound.”
—Claire Vaye Watkins, author of Gold Fame Citrus and I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness

“Staggering. This is the single best book about the relationship between faith and addiction I have ever read, which, by definition, makes it the single best book about addiction I have ever read. A prayer to recovery in the deepest sense of the word: the reclamation of something fundamental. It turns out the God-shaped hole was book-shaped all along.”
—Keiran Goddard, author of I See Buildings Fall Like Lightning