The Sneaky Parent

Introduction

This is the book your kids don’t want you to read.
     This is the book that will give you the skills, the know-how, and the street smarts to beat your children at the only game they’re better at than you are—being children. Sure, they’re smaller than you and, theoretically, not as smart as you. And, sure, you are the grown-up, so whatever you say goes, no matter what, right?
     But in the real world, and especially with today’s mode of parenting (in which many of us attempt to talk to our kids as if they’re adults—our first mistake), that’s not how it works. That’s just not how kids play the game.
     For children, especially those between the ages of 2 and 7, every day is a struggle between wanting to be more in control of their own lives and wanting to still be your little baby. As infants, all they had to do was cry and you’d come running. Why shouldn’t that same approach work now, especially if they can add whining, cajoling, and negotiating to the mix? Just because they have the capacity for empathy and reason doesn’t mean they think it’ll get them what they want any faster!
     Why shouldn’t they spend all day completely naked? Why can’t they have ice cream as an after-school snack? Kids don’t know you’re supposed to get dressed before you go anywhere or that candy isn’t the base of the food pyramid. Kids don’t know they aren’t allowed to play on your phone 24/7 just like you do. Kids don’t know there isn’t an unlimited supply of money in your wallet for buying toys whenever they want or that tantrums aren’t the primary negotiating tool of all great litigators. (Come to think of it, some great litigators don’t know that, either.) Kids don’t realize that getting a haircut isn’t an ancient form of torture, that nail trimming doesn’t hurt, or that there’s such a thing as an inside voice.
     That’s where you come in. You have to educate them somehow—or otherwise convince them to do what you want. That can be accomplished in a variety of ways.
     Sometimes it’s enough to lay the groundwork—give them the benefit of the doubt, treat them like responsible and intelligent individuals, teach them why things are the way they are.
     But other times, you’ll need to be a bit, well, craftier. You’ll need to trick, distract, or redirect your child so that they fall in line. This book gives you the essential tools and knowledge to do just that.
     This book contains all the information you need to pull a fast one on your kid—to convince them to behave exactly the way you want them to, anytime, anywhere. You’ll learn classic techniques, like being “A Little Sneaky” (offering choices that make your child feel as though they’re in control, when in reality you’re the one setting the terms), getting “Pretty Sneaky” with more complicated ruses, and turning dreaded activities into fun and games. You’ll master the art of misdirection and gain time-honored parenting skills you can use to get your kids to bend to your will—without them ever realizing it.
     To come up with the suggestions that follow, we not only tapped into the vast arsenal of parental weapons we have used on our own children—David has two kids, Sophie and Max; James has three, Avery, Cooper, and Dustin—we also surveyed dozens of other parents and experts (doctors, family therapists) in order to provide you with a comprehensive guide to the simplest ploys and best misdirection methods available. All are parent tested and approved, and we offer several options so that you can choose the trick that best suits the situation, the need, and your particular child. What’s more, you’ll learn the basic principles to invent sneaky moves of your very own.
     We hope you’ll use this book wisely—and that you’ll keep it in a safe place. After all, kids are learning to read earlier and earlier these days, and you don’t want it to fall into the wrong hands. Feel free to share it with other parents once your own children have finally gained the capacity to reason (or at least when they’re on to you and your schemes).
     And remember: We are the parents. We are bigger, smarter, and craftier. We don’t have to let them push us around—and in fact, nobody has to push at all! With just a little sneaky plotting, you can keep kids happy, healthy, and well-behaved without fighting. It might even be fun!
—David and James