I Feel Bad About My Neck

What I Wish I’d KnownPeople have only one way to be.Buy, don’t rent.Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorcedfrom.Don’t cover a couch with anything that isn’t more orless beige.Don’t buy anything that is 100 percent wool even if itseems to be very soft and not particularly itchy whenyou try it on in the store.You can’t be friends with people who call after 11 p.m.Block everyone on your instant mail.The world’s greatest babysitter burns out after two anda half years.You never know.The last four years of psychoanalysis are a waste ofmoney.The plane is not going to crash.Anything you think is wrong with your body at the ageof thirty-five you will be nostalgic for at the age of forty-five.At the age of fifty-five you will get a saggy roll justabove your waist even if you are painfully thin.This saggy roll just above your waist will be especiallyvisible from the back and will force you to reevaluatehalf the clothes in your closet, especially the whiteshirts.Write everything down.Keep a journal.Take more pictures.The empty nest is underrated.You can order more than one dessert.You can’t own too many black turtleneck sweaters.If the shoe doesn’t fit in the shoe store, it’s never goingto fit.When your children are teenagers, it’s important to havea dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.Back up your files.Overinsure everything.Whenever someone says the words “Our friendship ismore important than this,” watch out, because it almostnever is.There’s no point in making piecrust from scratch.The reason you’re waking up in the middle of the nightis the second glass of wine.The minute you decide to get divorced, go see a lawyerand file the papers.Overtip.Never let them know.If only one third of your clothes are mistakes, you’reahead of the game.If friends ask you to be their child’s guardian in casethey die in a plane crash, you can say no.There are no secrets.