Chapter 1
Personal Accountability
You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.
-Abraham Lincoln
Our twentysomething daughter Molly was in charge of a neighbor's twelve-year-old boy for a weekend while his parents traveled. On Saturday morning, Molly brought him over to hang out at our house, along with his buddy Grayson. We'd never met Grayson, nor had we met Grayson's mom and dad. We didn't know what they were like, where they were from, or what they did for a living, but we did know something about them. They left clear evidence-in Grayson.
We live on a couple acres of Colorado land with a big barn and a swimming pool. There are signs everywhere that this has been home to seven children: a trampoline, a rope to swing on, a well-worn four-wheeler, and lots of indoor "techno toys." It's a place our kids-Kristin, Tara, Michael, Molly, Charlene, Jazzy, and Natasha-have truly enjoyed. So for many hours the boys had tons of fun and the day flew by.
Around 7 p.m., Molly yelled, "Guys, time to go!" Hearing high-energy footsteps and the swift opening and closing of doors, we assumed they'd all left the house, so we were startled when Grayson appeared in our living room.
"Thanks for letting me come over, Mr. and Mrs. Miller!"
"You're welcome," we replied. "Hope you had fun."
"I sure did!"
"Come again, okay?" Karen said.
"I will. Thanks!"
"Terrific! See ya, Grayson."
"Okay. Have a good evening. Bye!"
Hmm, did we just interact with an engaging young person who demonstrated courtesy and gratitude? Did he actually say, "Have a good evening"?
And instantly we knew this: He didn't pick any of that up by watching television. He learned it from his mom and dad because, like children everywhere, he is a product of his parents' parenting.
Some people will pursue the "nature versus nurture" debate, but we'd rather not go there in this book. Sure, some traits or characteristics might be born into our kids, but the danger in thinking about the impact of "nature" is that we'll use nature as an excuse for whatever our children are like if we're not careful. Since this book is focused on how to raise accountable kids and embracing personal accountability in parenting, we prefer to encourage all dads and moms-including ourselves-to not look beyond how we parent for reasons why our children think, feel, or act the way they do. Today many people talk about "character building" for children and that's important, but the truth is, the character of a child is rooted in the way he or she is raised.
We know that this is a difficult notion for some parents to accept, so we're going to say it early to set a tone of personal accountability:
If parents have problems with their teen, they likely had problems with their toddler.
Recently, a parent shared this with us:
Our eighth-grade son is driving us crazy! Each week he's supposed to empty all of the trash cans in the house, consolidate the garbage into bags-not cans-and place them by the curb for pickup. But he routinely places one of our large cans on the street instead, knowing it's the wrong way to do it! And this isn't the only area we see this sort of behavior. When he doesn't set his alarm at night and oversleeps, he blames his sister for not getting him up. If we tell him to stop playing games on the computer and do his homework instead, he initially ignores us and then says we're "mean." When he doesn't practice his piano lesson, he takes absolutely no accountability for his lack of preparedness for the next time he's with his teacher. What do we do? Help!
This is an awfully frustrating situation-and we truly feel for these parents-but problems like these don't appear overnight. They are a result of the parents' practices through the child's lifetime. So the wrong questions to ask are "Why is my child so difficult?" and "When will he change?" (We refer to these kinds of questions as Incorrect Questions, or IQs.) The right questions would be "What have I done to create my current problems?" and "How can I start parenting differently?" Questions like these, which we call QBQs and will explore in-depth in Chapter Four, not only represent accountable thinking but also lead to learning-and where there is learning there is change. For many parents, one key change needed is the willingness to adopt this principle:
My child is a product of my parenting.
We know that some will want to debate this, pointing to other influences in a child's life. It's understandable. But we've found it's easier to practice personal accountability in our parenting by not fighting this principle and instead embracing it. With this premise in place, regardless of the age of the child, any parent can become the outstanding mom or dad they wish to be. And that is where raising accountable kids begins-with the parent.
Copyright © 2016 by John G. Miller. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
